I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize