I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
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Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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