I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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