i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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