i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
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He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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