is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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