Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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