There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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