I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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