If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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