We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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