girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
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he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
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How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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