That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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