my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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