I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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