While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
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The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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