Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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