I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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