I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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