I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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