i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize