you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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