Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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