You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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