his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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It's never too late to be topless.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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