Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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