Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We were destined to go to rehab together
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I party with great urgency now.
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