I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
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I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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