There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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