atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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