My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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