Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize