so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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