Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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