why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize