I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize