You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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