She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
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Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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