Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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