I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I stole a fireplace last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize