Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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