Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize