I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
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I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
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I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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