watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize