Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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