i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
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I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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