you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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