I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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