defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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