I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That accounts for only three of the penises
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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